Day 2 of the blog-a-day challenge: Your horoscope for today

Lisa's Mum does enjoy dressing up for the occasion

I normally don't go for horoscopes. When I run out of paper to read, and there is only the Wizard of ID comic strip, the Vice Regal and the horoscopes left, SOMETIMES I read my horoscope. Mostly, it's because I don't like to be pigeon-holed (as in, 'OMG you are, like, SO Virgo!'). Also, I am a bit bored with the star signs we have. I consulted Lisa's Mum about this and she has presented me with her alternative horoscope for the day, based on what you do, not when you're born. Well done Mum.

If you work in an office: Tolerance and stamina are the words for this week as the mail room loses your PBK order. Jupiter's moons align in your barista's orbit to create you the perfect espresso at morning tea time. That annoying colleague who always talks about himself accidentally staples himself to his desk and doesn't show up to annoy you at yours. Opportunity comes in the form of a public holiday and a 4-day week. Your lower back starts to hurt.

If you are a student/athlete/general bum: Today is a brilliant day! Why? Because you don't have to go to work, you ninny. Go hang out at a cafe and talk about how poor you are.

If you are a born optimist: Today is a brilliant day! Why? Because you've read The Secret and you know that if you believe it it will be true. Go visualise a parking space at your local shopping centre. Venus entering into the new moon brings with it the promise of untold riches as you find $2 lying on the ground.

If you are a born pessimist: Today is a brilliant day! Why? Because you haven't been hit by a bus... yet. Pluto's patterns this month indicate that trouble is on the horizon. Could be related to that email you got last week, promising you $1m from that nice bloke in Nigeria. You have a headache. Could be a tumour.

OK, that's all from me today folks. Ride happy... I hope all your horoscope dreams come true.