Lisa's Mum previews season 2010

Season 2010 is almost upon us and Lisa's Mum has dusted off her commentary jacket and matching tea towel and pulled up a chair at the table of truth. Mum has made the following bold predictions for 2010. Just a warning, if you are easily offended, you'll have to take it up directly with Mum - I have no control over what she says.

• Lance will admit, "Actually, it IS all about the bike." In his 14th biography, Lance reveals that earning squillions and dating rock stars and models was OK for a while, but not nearly as fun as busting a lung up Alpe d'Huez and having doping officials watching you pee 4 times a day. His reason for his return? Mike Rann has promised him a trip to Puzzle Park next time he comes to Adelaide for the Tour Down Under. Let's hope his cancer campaign works... at least we know that if he does come up with some miraculous cure drug, WADA won't be able to find it.

• Cadel's signing to BMC race team for 2010 will come under a cloud when it is revealed that, after an unfortunate encounter between his dog Molly and the BMC mechanic's pet cat, Cadel actually does make good on his promise that, 'If you touch my dog, I'll kill you.'

• Jan Ulrich will make a return to the sport, 4 years after his disgraced exit from the Tour de France for doping. He'll lose 20 kilos and win a grand tour before mysteriously going AWOL and being found 3 weeks later doing lines with Tom Boonen at the discotheque. His excuse? 'Dr Fuentes told me they were vitamins.'

• Alberto Contador will still be the world's No.1 tour rider, but the next time he does that stupid little trigger finger victory salute, someone will run out of the crowd and smack him in the face because IT'S REALLY GETTING ANNOYING, ALBERTO.

• Bike manufacturers around the world join forces to create the world's lightest bike. Made from a unique compound of polystyrene foam and baby duck feathers, the frame will weigh in at 200g (plus fork) and retail for $18,000. Corporate execs around the world are already lining up for the Cadel Evans commemorative edition, which comes with a free Tibetan child.*

You heard it first here from Lisa's Mum. She'd reveal more, but we're just not paying her enough.

*I know, that is POOR TASTE, Mum.